I saw my evaluations today from my spring semester class. I did pretty well. Pretty much all the kids except one gave me 5s and 4s out of 5. My averages were all high 4s and my modes were all 5. Even though it was a good evaluation set, I am obsessed with the one student who claimed I was never prepared. I mean, I may be a pacer and loud and crazy, but unprepared? Insane...I am obsessed and I am always prepared. I am hoping that perhaps this is one student who thought 1 was a high score...you know, like she's number 1!!!
Why do I obsess with the one student? Why am I so not okay with people not liking me?
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
End of Friendship
Today a friendship I had ended. There was no grand splash of a fight to end it, just kind of a whimper.
I have this tendency to be friends with people who don't treat me very well and I put up with it because (as my shrink says) I have a tendency to have to take care of people. Therefore the really manipulative people who have major drama issues tend to become my friends. I have learned, in previous versions of my self throughout my life, that I do not want to become friends with these people and I keep warning myself to not do so in the future. I really thought moving to Utah would make a huge difference...like, there can't possibly be manipulative people in Utah...but I was wrong. I am also relatively non-confrontational so I always hope these manipulative people just kind of go away. A couple of times it worked out and a couple of times it was a crash and burn ending. Either way, I get a sick stomach like I've just been dumped at the end of a friendship.
This new former friend was someone who always said horrible things to me and to people around me that made me cringe. And throughout the turmoil of my losing my baby he was awful to me. Saying things like "you have had such a charmed life, you deserved this" or, my particular favorite, "how long do I have to wait until you get over this?" I decided months ago that I didn't want to be friends with someone like this, not anymore, not when there are better people out there to be friends with. But I still invited him to my Memorial Day BBQ because I thought how could I not if everyone else will be there, and his response was "I will not be there." Since there was no euphemistic attempt to say "can't make it," "have another party to attend," I can be pretty well assured that he considers the friendship over...whimper.
Why do I have a sick stomach? How long until I grow up enough to not want these people in my life and make active decisions to not have them in my life and then be okay with those decisions?
I have this tendency to be friends with people who don't treat me very well and I put up with it because (as my shrink says) I have a tendency to have to take care of people. Therefore the really manipulative people who have major drama issues tend to become my friends. I have learned, in previous versions of my self throughout my life, that I do not want to become friends with these people and I keep warning myself to not do so in the future. I really thought moving to Utah would make a huge difference...like, there can't possibly be manipulative people in Utah...but I was wrong. I am also relatively non-confrontational so I always hope these manipulative people just kind of go away. A couple of times it worked out and a couple of times it was a crash and burn ending. Either way, I get a sick stomach like I've just been dumped at the end of a friendship.
This new former friend was someone who always said horrible things to me and to people around me that made me cringe. And throughout the turmoil of my losing my baby he was awful to me. Saying things like "you have had such a charmed life, you deserved this" or, my particular favorite, "how long do I have to wait until you get over this?" I decided months ago that I didn't want to be friends with someone like this, not anymore, not when there are better people out there to be friends with. But I still invited him to my Memorial Day BBQ because I thought how could I not if everyone else will be there, and his response was "I will not be there." Since there was no euphemistic attempt to say "can't make it," "have another party to attend," I can be pretty well assured that he considers the friendship over...whimper.
Why do I have a sick stomach? How long until I grow up enough to not want these people in my life and make active decisions to not have them in my life and then be okay with those decisions?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I am the Duchess
| I Am Internal - Realist - Powerful |
I feel my life is controlled internally. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't wait around for things to go my way. I value my independence and don't like others to have control. I am a realist when it comes to luck. I don't attribute everything to luck, but I do know some things are random. I don't beat myself up when bad things happen to me... But I do my best to try to make my own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's me. Life is a kingdom, and I'm the grand ruler. I don't care much about what others think. But they better care what I think! |
Monday, May 22, 2006
Conspiracy Theories
Are we all in a Mel Gibson movie?
My husband (high school lacrosse coach) was told to chew out a program designer for forgetting to put the name of one his players into the all-star program. My friend (county party secretary) was told that it was interesting that the only mistakes made in a party list was in favor of his opponent. In both cases I thought, are you the center of the universe? I mean, how self-centered do you need to be to be convinced that if someone forgot your name or a mistake was made it must have been made in order to screw you? On purpose. Long ago (like, I don't know, 9th grade) I realized that not everyone was thinking about me whenever they did anything and little mistakes ceased to bother me.
So here's a thought. You are probably the center of a conspiracy plot if you are the president, the NSA, whatever. Probably not if you are a high school lacrosse player or a candidate in a po-dunk election. Try to get some perspective.
My husband (high school lacrosse coach) was told to chew out a program designer for forgetting to put the name of one his players into the all-star program. My friend (county party secretary) was told that it was interesting that the only mistakes made in a party list was in favor of his opponent. In both cases I thought, are you the center of the universe? I mean, how self-centered do you need to be to be convinced that if someone forgot your name or a mistake was made it must have been made in order to screw you? On purpose. Long ago (like, I don't know, 9th grade) I realized that not everyone was thinking about me whenever they did anything and little mistakes ceased to bother me.
So here's a thought. You are probably the center of a conspiracy plot if you are the president, the NSA, whatever. Probably not if you are a high school lacrosse player or a candidate in a po-dunk election. Try to get some perspective.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Knitting Fool
So my good friend, Dr. Tomorrow, got me into knitting yesterday. She took me to the cutest little shop which I love and I immediately wanted to buy everything (which is why I have credit card debt). She was very good to me and would not allow me to buy anything, thus dampening the impulse damage I was about to do to my AMEX. But now, I am knitting in circles. And I am thinking about buying a knitting bag, and cool needles, and yarn, and little yarn markers, and oh my god, I do NOT need another habit like this. But then I think, everyone I know will just receive knitted scarves for Christmas which will offset the major investment I am sure I am about to make.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
No one will notice?
Clearly I need more sins....any ideas???
| Your Deadly Sins |
| Sloth: 60% |
| Gluttony: 20% |
| Wrath: 20% |
| Envy: 0% |
| Greed: 0% |
| Lust: 0% |
| Pride: 0% |
| Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14% |
| You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice. |
Yoga for Old Ladies
In my efforts to increase my metabolism (which apparently is not accomplished by eating everything you want to eat) I have begun an exercise regime that includes kickboxing with young sexy women and yoga with older not so sexy women. I enjoyed the yoga much better. I am still fat, but I am not the fattest one in the room. It's all a matter of perspective. Except in my muscles who are all screaming that both episodes were not quite what they had in mind for a nice May.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Fat One in the Room
I have begun my exercising regime to accompany my diet regime in the hopes that by the end of the summer I'll actually be someone that doesn't deserve her own zip code. Toward that end I began cardio-kickboxing tonight. There are always mirrors everywhere in these rooms. Now, twelve years ago when I did aerobics, I didn't mind the mirrors. I was hot. I was skinny, but not grossly skinny, healthy skinny. I liked to watch myself work out. And I would pity the women in the room who were fat. Tonight, I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror and as I glanced around (between almost having a heart attack and almost throwing up -- how many friggin' sit ups are we doing anyway?!?) I realized, I was the fat woman to be pitied. I am now the fat one in the room. Can I email somehow my 21 year old self and say DON'T LET IT GO TO CRAP!!!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Meme from Dr. Tomorrow
I have been tagged. I am so excited since this has never happened before. And of course, if we were playing tag I'd be it since it takes me so damn long to respond.
I am sitting in my office avoiding research.
I want to get my encyclopedia entries done so I can work on my journal and resubmit.
I wish my baby had survived because it'd be fun to have a kid to screw up (mostly if you want a punk rocker as a kid, you have to screw him or her up).
I love my spouse and the pets and my good friends.
I miss days with no complications and no need for therapy.
I fear that I will never be recognized as a scholar.
I hear some funky 80s music playing on the radio -- Howard Jones.
I wonder how it is possible for a labrador retriever to be allergic to pollen and have to take 6 giant pills a day and have to be sprayed on his belly.
I regret being angry with people for stupid stuff.
I am not sure how I will survive my diet as I am SOOOO hungry.
I dance when I take a shower.
I sing a bit out of key but only in my car.
I cry when I see babies (this is a new phenomenon and maybe after therapy I will regress to my I NEVER CRY bitchy self).
I am not always hanging out with good friends which bums me out.
I write poorly unless I write often.
I make people pissy when I am honest.
I confuse my grandmother since I have kept my last name, wear my hair long, and have a career.
I need a cookie, or candy, or pizza, or any food that is NOT a lean cuisine.
I should exercise more and eat less.
I start my exercise regimen tomorrow at 7am...ooof.
I finish projects better when I have a deadline.
I am sitting in my office avoiding research.
I want to get my encyclopedia entries done so I can work on my journal and resubmit.
I wish my baby had survived because it'd be fun to have a kid to screw up (mostly if you want a punk rocker as a kid, you have to screw him or her up).
I love my spouse and the pets and my good friends.
I miss days with no complications and no need for therapy.
I fear that I will never be recognized as a scholar.
I hear some funky 80s music playing on the radio -- Howard Jones.
I wonder how it is possible for a labrador retriever to be allergic to pollen and have to take 6 giant pills a day and have to be sprayed on his belly.
I regret being angry with people for stupid stuff.
I am not sure how I will survive my diet as I am SOOOO hungry.
I dance when I take a shower.
I sing a bit out of key but only in my car.
I cry when I see babies (this is a new phenomenon and maybe after therapy I will regress to my I NEVER CRY bitchy self).
I am not always hanging out with good friends which bums me out.
I write poorly unless I write often.
I make people pissy when I am honest.
I confuse my grandmother since I have kept my last name, wear my hair long, and have a career.
I need a cookie, or candy, or pizza, or any food that is NOT a lean cuisine.
I should exercise more and eat less.
I start my exercise regimen tomorrow at 7am...ooof.
I finish projects better when I have a deadline.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Gardening
Today I had a fantastic moment during which an old woman down the street walked by and told my husband and me that our yard looked great and we were good neighbors. This is a fantastic moment because you always want someone to walk by and tell you your yard looks great. Especially old women who have the most to bitch about. This is kind of a funny moment because we are good neighbors because our yard looks good. I mean I thought I'd be good because I didn't play music loudly, I didn't work on my car in my driveway, I didn't dance naked on my deck. But apparently our goodness was predicated on our planting pretty flowers.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Cinco de Mayo
Today is the fifth of May. What is very cool here on the 5th of May is the only reason I have a pc and not a Mac has just changed. SPSS (which used to be exclusively for pcs) has a version for mac. And I think I am going to the apple store...oh god...I should really not go to the apple store. But I really want to go to the apple store because I really want a cute compy.
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