My Friday End of Day

I pick up my daughter from her pre-school at 1pm and then head out to my son's day care to pick him up. What used to be a 6 minute commute now takes 1 hour. I get home and pull in my driveway about 2pm. It's freezing outside in the low 20s at my house. I get my daughter out of the van and say, head to the door, it's cold out here. She says she's getting the mail and runs down the driveway. I drop the four bags I am carrying, two of hers and two of mine, and chase after her. Luckily she stops before hitting the street and the car that was zooming around the corner. I say, here's the mail, please go to the house. She says okay and starts up the driveway. I walk to the other side of the van to get my son in his infant carrier. I turn and look and my daughter has taken off down the middle of the street running. I drop the infant carrier and the two bags my son has in the driveway and haul ass down the street in my heels. I catch my daughter and run her back to the driveway. I walk her up the walk and grab my son's infant seat. I get him inside the house and turn to see that my daughter has decided to climb the rather large evergreen in the front yard. I also notice my dog has eaten one of my plants. He has been barking at us ever since we pulled in the driveway. I run to get my daughter and get her inside. My son is screaming because I had to wake up him from his nap at daycare to bring him home. My daughter is telling me repeatedly to take off her coat and that Hobbes has destroyed a plant. I get her coat off and send her off for her play in her room. I get my son out of his carrier and into his crib, where he proceeds to scream for about 30 minutes before resuming his nap. I go back outside to grab the six bags I have left in the driveway and on my way back in realize that not only did my dog eat my plant but also decided to poop in the dining room. I drop the bags and proceed to clean up the dog poop, during which time my daughter screams that she needs lollipops. Of course we don't have any lollipops, but this reasoning is lost somewhere in the fit as I persuade her that actually she wants to eat some fruit for her afternoon snack. Finally I have her situated so she's eating fruit and calm. I then can finish cleaning up the poop in the dining room. Now, finally, I can have something to eat at 230pm having not eaten since 6am when I woke up my household because it takes us all hours now to get out of the house. I eat quickly and then take all the stuff out of the bags and put the items where they go. Laundry into the laundry basket, bottles into the sink, and bags put away in closets. Then I chase my daughter around the house while trying to get her to use the potty. The dog has gone to the door 15 times pretending he'd like to go outside and then pouts when I open the door. In two hours my husband will arrive at home having spent the day watching someone else teach and say how exhausted he is.

I really would like to know how my LDS friends and neighbors do all this without saying the F word. Seriously, I just don't think "oh my heck" covers it.