I come from upstate New York, which means for those of you who have never been there, that July and August and maybe sometimes September are the worst months of the year. I never acclimated to the humidity, I just complained about it every summer. And I moped. And I whined. And I, one summer, locked myself in my bedroom with a little air conditioner and didn't ever leave. Thus, in my former life, back east as it were, I would be counting the days as I had now made it through a third of the hell on earth that is upstate New York in the dog days of summer.
Here, in lovely Utah, the end of July signals the end of heat. There is never really humidity, I mean there kind of is, but for the most part you can survive. You don't have to mope and whine. And because it's hotter here there is air conditioning everywhere so you really just have to make it from the car to your office. No dripping sweat when you step out of the shower.
It is the end of July. Temps this week are dropping into the low 80s. And I am happy that fall is on its way. Dear eastern family, you should move west!
In addition, one month ago my rearview mirror fell off. You cannot replace the rearview mirror unless it is less than 75 degrees. Thus, for the month of July, I have been killing people as I change langes. Very scary driver I am even with a rearview mirror, without it becomes almost diabolical. This morning it was below 70 when I woke up, in July no less, and now my husband is replacing my rearview mirror. No more excuses for causing the road rage.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
a Little Movie Called Word Play
My desktop calendar is the New York Times crossword from 2005. Every day it is the same day as last year's crossword puzzle. Generally the Mondays I can do and by Saturdays I say, screw it. I enjoy crosswords. I enjoy figuring out puzzles. I enjoy the thrill of discovering a word I didn't even know I knew because the letters come together.
Last night some good friends of ours and my husband and I went to see Word Play which was a fantastic movie. It followed the crossword lives of a few people who apparently compete every year in a crossword tournament. Can you imagine? A crossword tournament? In Stamford, Connecticut. They get together at the Marriott and have been doing so since 1978. They do crosswords. The announcer says this is a 15 minute crossword and however many minutes under the time of 15 you get your crossword in you get extra points. You lose points for blank spaces and errors. They were so keyed up. They were into it. It was like watching any exciting sports event. Throughout the theatre you could hear people answering clues because throughout the movie they would intersperse crossword puzzles. My husband said busstop, ah very clever, to the answer to a clue. I laughed and laughed
Who knew there was this society of crossword puzzlers, constructors, editors who all hang out in Connecticut? Who knew that the winner of the 199... tournament also twirled baton...well I do now because apparently not only do they do crosswords, they have a talent show. It is a fun movie, it is a smart movie and I highly recommend it.
The annual tournament is during my spring break in March. What are the odds they have two hour puzzles?
Last night some good friends of ours and my husband and I went to see Word Play which was a fantastic movie. It followed the crossword lives of a few people who apparently compete every year in a crossword tournament. Can you imagine? A crossword tournament? In Stamford, Connecticut. They get together at the Marriott and have been doing so since 1978. They do crosswords. The announcer says this is a 15 minute crossword and however many minutes under the time of 15 you get your crossword in you get extra points. You lose points for blank spaces and errors. They were so keyed up. They were into it. It was like watching any exciting sports event. Throughout the theatre you could hear people answering clues because throughout the movie they would intersperse crossword puzzles. My husband said busstop, ah very clever, to the answer to a clue. I laughed and laughed
Who knew there was this society of crossword puzzlers, constructors, editors who all hang out in Connecticut? Who knew that the winner of the 199... tournament also twirled baton...well I do now because apparently not only do they do crosswords, they have a talent show. It is a fun movie, it is a smart movie and I highly recommend it.
The annual tournament is during my spring break in March. What are the odds they have two hour puzzles?
Thursday, July 27, 2006
the Duchess has Been Silent
For a week no less. Nothing to say. I wonder if I am wandering around with static in my brain that I have nothing to post. I'll post about last night.
Last night I went to watch my trophy husband play lacrosse (my good friends went with me and we were so loud this dude next to us just kept laughing). He is very good, All-American (2 times, Division 1A), playing on a team with a bunch of guys who are from Utah. Just in case you didn't know, lacrosse is a French word for an Iroquois Native game. The Iroquois are the native people who lived in New York and Canada before we arrived and stole their land (do you have a flag?...oop, Eddie Izzard digression). They used lacrosse to settle differences, so instead of blowing up your neighbors, you'd take a stick and a ball and try to get said ball into a goal (while beating the crap out of each other with a stick). Wouldn't it be nice if Israel and Lebanon and Palestine played lacrosse? So much easier for Condi, I would think. Anyway, lacrosse is huge in the East. Many many people play it. It is slowly making its way West as more Easterners come out here and civilize this place. My trophy husband coaches a high school lacrosse team and they are always amazed at what he can do because they've never really seen it played before.
I attended Syracuse University which has been playing lacrosse forever and pretty much rocks at it. Last night I met a guy on my husband's team who also went to SU and played lacrosse there (well I didn't play lacrosse, the also is to demonstrate that while he went to SU he also played lacrosse). He lived in the apartment next to mine while I was there. We chatted. We talked East stuff. It was great. Most of the time I love living here in Utah, but sometimes I miss being from the East and when I chat with a fellow SU alum, I miss it a little more.
He invited us to a kegger Friday night which we laughed at...why is it funny? Kegs are illegal in Utah. When I was a student at SU, Sabastino's delivered kegs to my house.
Last night I went to watch my trophy husband play lacrosse (my good friends went with me and we were so loud this dude next to us just kept laughing). He is very good, All-American (2 times, Division 1A), playing on a team with a bunch of guys who are from Utah. Just in case you didn't know, lacrosse is a French word for an Iroquois Native game. The Iroquois are the native people who lived in New York and Canada before we arrived and stole their land (do you have a flag?...oop, Eddie Izzard digression). They used lacrosse to settle differences, so instead of blowing up your neighbors, you'd take a stick and a ball and try to get said ball into a goal (while beating the crap out of each other with a stick). Wouldn't it be nice if Israel and Lebanon and Palestine played lacrosse? So much easier for Condi, I would think. Anyway, lacrosse is huge in the East. Many many people play it. It is slowly making its way West as more Easterners come out here and civilize this place. My trophy husband coaches a high school lacrosse team and they are always amazed at what he can do because they've never really seen it played before.
I attended Syracuse University which has been playing lacrosse forever and pretty much rocks at it. Last night I met a guy on my husband's team who also went to SU and played lacrosse there (well I didn't play lacrosse, the also is to demonstrate that while he went to SU he also played lacrosse). He lived in the apartment next to mine while I was there. We chatted. We talked East stuff. It was great. Most of the time I love living here in Utah, but sometimes I miss being from the East and when I chat with a fellow SU alum, I miss it a little more.
He invited us to a kegger Friday night which we laughed at...why is it funny? Kegs are illegal in Utah. When I was a student at SU, Sabastino's delivered kegs to my house.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
on the Veto
Well it's been a while since I've blogged something political and as I read somewhere that a very few blogs actually talk politics, I feel the need to spew, and I will include some expertise.
A bit of a lesson on vetoes. From 1789 - 2000, there has been 2552 vetoes. Some presidents are veto heavy: Eisenhower, Truman, Cleveland. Some presidents are veto light: Washington, Fillmore (mostly presidents in the 19th century during which time Congress had much more control over who got to be president). Generally the reasons for vetoing are as follows: the president thinks the legislation is unconstitutional, the president thinks the legislation is inoperable (meaning he can't implement it), the president thinks the legislation is bad policy.
From 2000 - July 20, 2006 there has been 1.
President Bush decided to veto expanded stem cell research funding for no other reason than he thinks he's a prophet from God and as such has to protect us all from our Christian failings. Oh no, wait, I'm sure he vetoed it because it is unconstitutional (well no, the Supreme Court hasn't ruled on it and we do have stem cell research). No, it must be he vetoed it because it's inoperable (well no, states are implementing funding for stem cell research pretty easily). No, it must be because it is bad policy (well no, a vast majority of Americans want to see it funded and a majority of his party and the other party want to see it funded and generally bad policy doesn't garner near unanimity). So it must be he's a prophet. He surrounded himself with people who have bought children from left over embryos (rather than adopting the many children who need to be rescued from around the country) and all these happy white people smiled as he vetoed the legislation. Where were the people who are dying from diseases that could be cured? Where were the people who weren't able to save their children from diseases that could be cured? No, see they don't have a right to life, just embryos.
The Duchess cringes and says, thank God, only 2 more years!
A bit of a lesson on vetoes. From 1789 - 2000, there has been 2552 vetoes. Some presidents are veto heavy: Eisenhower, Truman, Cleveland. Some presidents are veto light: Washington, Fillmore (mostly presidents in the 19th century during which time Congress had much more control over who got to be president). Generally the reasons for vetoing are as follows: the president thinks the legislation is unconstitutional, the president thinks the legislation is inoperable (meaning he can't implement it), the president thinks the legislation is bad policy.
From 2000 - July 20, 2006 there has been 1.
President Bush decided to veto expanded stem cell research funding for no other reason than he thinks he's a prophet from God and as such has to protect us all from our Christian failings. Oh no, wait, I'm sure he vetoed it because it is unconstitutional (well no, the Supreme Court hasn't ruled on it and we do have stem cell research). No, it must be he vetoed it because it's inoperable (well no, states are implementing funding for stem cell research pretty easily). No, it must be because it is bad policy (well no, a vast majority of Americans want to see it funded and a majority of his party and the other party want to see it funded and generally bad policy doesn't garner near unanimity). So it must be he's a prophet. He surrounded himself with people who have bought children from left over embryos (rather than adopting the many children who need to be rescued from around the country) and all these happy white people smiled as he vetoed the legislation. Where were the people who are dying from diseases that could be cured? Where were the people who weren't able to save their children from diseases that could be cured? No, see they don't have a right to life, just embryos.
The Duchess cringes and says, thank God, only 2 more years!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
the Duchess Scores a Smile
When I was very young, maybe 10 years old, I ran into a girl at the softball park who was relatively mean to me in a polite, snide kind of way. I remember that event vividly as I do most of my interactions with this particular girl over my life. My father thought I was competitive with her, but you see, the Duchess may be neurotic, but she is not insane. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and the thing is, this girl kicked my ass in every one on one we met. So, Daddy, I was not competitive because anyone with any sense of self-preservation would not compete with someone who is clearly better than you at everything. She was Melanie to my Scarlett.
Melanie was on my softball team and played first base. Scarlett played second base. Melanie was better at softball (the Duchess smirks as she remembers deliberately throwing the softball over her head in every warm up practice).
Melanie was on my cheerleading squad and was captain. Scarlett was just random cheerleader #8.
Melanie was on my track team and worked very hard. Scarlett ran track because it was often co-ed and the boys were cute.
Melanie was in every honors class and scored top Regents honors. Scarlett was in the honors classes but really wasn't interested in studying.
Melanie went to Syracuse University and was summa cum laude. Scarlett was cum laude because she still wasn't interested in studying (the Duchess shakes her head at her pride at winning a better scholarship than Melanie).
In addition to all this amazingness of Melanie, she is also perfect. She never says the wrong thing. She never makes anyone feel badly. She never drank, she never hooked up with boys, she was perfect. If they could give an award for perfection, she would have won it in addition to all the other awards she has won in her life. Scarlett laughs too loud, says things to people that really should never be said, kisses all sorts of boys, including boyfriends' best friends because she can. Scarlett is completely unperfect.
After Syracuse University, or some time during Syracuse University, I lost track of Melanie. I went to college to drink and hang out and have fun so I didn't really run into people at the library. I'm not even sure I know where the library is. Luckily I'm relatively smart and came out with a good gpa.
When I was home last week, I ran into Melanie's father who was bartending at my father's wedding. I said, "hey how's it going." He said, "fine." I said, "how's Melanie" (of course this isn't her name, but for privacy's sake...) and he said, "fine." I said, "what's she doing?" He said, "crunching numbers for GM." I said, "ah." I said, "didn't she get her Ph.D. at MIT?" He said, "no, she didn't finish the Ph.D. and she actually went to Minnesota." I said "oh." I said, "is she married?" He said, "no, she's never really dated anyone." I said, "oh, well tell her I said hey."
The adult in me feels nothing but mild interest at what has happened to Melanie. But the 10 year old girl who was treated meanly at the ballpark gives herself a high five. The Duchess walks away from the bar, thinking of the Ph.D. hanging on her wall and her trophy husband who loves her like crazy, grinning.
Melanie was on my softball team and played first base. Scarlett played second base. Melanie was better at softball (the Duchess smirks as she remembers deliberately throwing the softball over her head in every warm up practice).
Melanie was on my cheerleading squad and was captain. Scarlett was just random cheerleader #8.
Melanie was on my track team and worked very hard. Scarlett ran track because it was often co-ed and the boys were cute.
Melanie was in every honors class and scored top Regents honors. Scarlett was in the honors classes but really wasn't interested in studying.
Melanie went to Syracuse University and was summa cum laude. Scarlett was cum laude because she still wasn't interested in studying (the Duchess shakes her head at her pride at winning a better scholarship than Melanie).
In addition to all this amazingness of Melanie, she is also perfect. She never says the wrong thing. She never makes anyone feel badly. She never drank, she never hooked up with boys, she was perfect. If they could give an award for perfection, she would have won it in addition to all the other awards she has won in her life. Scarlett laughs too loud, says things to people that really should never be said, kisses all sorts of boys, including boyfriends' best friends because she can. Scarlett is completely unperfect.
After Syracuse University, or some time during Syracuse University, I lost track of Melanie. I went to college to drink and hang out and have fun so I didn't really run into people at the library. I'm not even sure I know where the library is. Luckily I'm relatively smart and came out with a good gpa.
When I was home last week, I ran into Melanie's father who was bartending at my father's wedding. I said, "hey how's it going." He said, "fine." I said, "how's Melanie" (of course this isn't her name, but for privacy's sake...) and he said, "fine." I said, "what's she doing?" He said, "crunching numbers for GM." I said, "ah." I said, "didn't she get her Ph.D. at MIT?" He said, "no, she didn't finish the Ph.D. and she actually went to Minnesota." I said "oh." I said, "is she married?" He said, "no, she's never really dated anyone." I said, "oh, well tell her I said hey."
The adult in me feels nothing but mild interest at what has happened to Melanie. But the 10 year old girl who was treated meanly at the ballpark gives herself a high five. The Duchess walks away from the bar, thinking of the Ph.D. hanging on her wall and her trophy husband who loves her like crazy, grinning.
Friday, July 14, 2006
on my Uncle Jim
My father's older sister married a guy who has been my Uncle Jim my whole life. Uncle Jim is fantastically fun to be around. Everything he does is larger than life. Every event is a story.
Let me share a funny story.
My aunt and I decide to throw an after-wedding brunch for my father and my new stepmother. Brilliant idea except it makes everyone nervous because no woman really wants a huge party (and we have 50 people attending) in her house when she's not around (she's staying in a hotel after her wedding) so I am on edge. I feel like the 16 year old kid who is having a party in my parents' house while they are away on a weekender. Of course I never did that because I am a loser who never does anything really wrong with other people's stuff, but I felt the way I imagine a 16 year old kid would feel. Anyway, I am very nervous. I want everything to be perfect. My aunt wants everything to be perfect.
In an effort to help out my uncle:
BREAKS THE MIRROR IN THE NEWLY REMODELED BATHROOM
PUTS A MAJOR HOLE IN THE NEWLY REMODELED BATHROOM SINK
BREAKS MY PARENTS' ALARM CLOCK
KNOCKS A PICTURE OFF THE WALL
My husband suggests that perhaps Uncle Jim should spend the duration of his visit in the garage with plasticware. My cousin, my Uncle's son, said, it's always good to have someone around to clear the tension. What possibly could I do to the house that would be at all noteworthy or even noticeable after all that?
I laughed so hard that I chuckle now as I write it. I told my uncle it was hilarious, he said, it's not hilarious when you're the one who did it, which, I imagine, is true but makes it all even funnier. I see myself walking down the driveway with my uncle, like two teenagers to report on the weekend, to tell the parents what has happened.
My dad laughed almost as hard as I did.
Let me share a funny story.
My aunt and I decide to throw an after-wedding brunch for my father and my new stepmother. Brilliant idea except it makes everyone nervous because no woman really wants a huge party (and we have 50 people attending) in her house when she's not around (she's staying in a hotel after her wedding) so I am on edge. I feel like the 16 year old kid who is having a party in my parents' house while they are away on a weekender. Of course I never did that because I am a loser who never does anything really wrong with other people's stuff, but I felt the way I imagine a 16 year old kid would feel. Anyway, I am very nervous. I want everything to be perfect. My aunt wants everything to be perfect.
In an effort to help out my uncle:
BREAKS THE MIRROR IN THE NEWLY REMODELED BATHROOM
PUTS A MAJOR HOLE IN THE NEWLY REMODELED BATHROOM SINK
BREAKS MY PARENTS' ALARM CLOCK
KNOCKS A PICTURE OFF THE WALL
My husband suggests that perhaps Uncle Jim should spend the duration of his visit in the garage with plasticware. My cousin, my Uncle's son, said, it's always good to have someone around to clear the tension. What possibly could I do to the house that would be at all noteworthy or even noticeable after all that?
I laughed so hard that I chuckle now as I write it. I told my uncle it was hilarious, he said, it's not hilarious when you're the one who did it, which, I imagine, is true but makes it all even funnier. I see myself walking down the driveway with my uncle, like two teenagers to report on the weekend, to tell the parents what has happened.
My dad laughed almost as hard as I did.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
on my Neuroses
I have been home for a wedding event and I have so much to blog from said event, that I have decided to talk about something else entirely. I will have funny stories soon.
But today's blog will be about how funny I am. Not funny as in I make people roar at the witty things I say, but funny in that I am neurotic in strange ways. I back seat drive, very politely, but I am trying to help you not kill me while I am in your car...at the same time I drive like a lunatic. The cleaning in my house can only be done one way and my husband and I fight when he does not comply...at the same time I bitch when he doesn't help me. I try to take care of everyone around me who I care about...at the same time I am annoyed when people try to help me.
These are all things I am working on with my therapist. All things that make me funny, luckily as an adult I can laugh at myself when I do this. Case in point, last night while driving with friends I advised the driver what a lane-ending sign meant. Because, clearly he didn't know after having driven since he was 14. But you see, that's funny and I laugh at myself for being neurotic. Very helpful to laugh and encourage other people to laugh as well, helps clear out the neurotic effect.
Anyway, the big thing I am neurotic about is organization. I am super organized, almost with facist intensity. No one I know is as intense with the types of organization that I am. I have a million calendars because I am in the constant quest for the best form of organization. Right now Google calendar seems to be working well. I have a million bags to carry my million calendars because I am constantly searching for the best bag. I have not found it, but now I am working on the best way to store my million bags. Everything in my life goes in a particular box or folder and as a result I have many versions of boxes and folders, and many times I reorganize the boxes and folders because they could always be organized better. I am currently in a search for the best way to store the old boxes and folders because I know they will come in vogue with me again.
I arrive home and I have a ton of work to do. But I can't do the work until I have properly charted my productivity. You see, I even organize myself. I call in a friend to say, look at my excel chart that will plot how much work I have done. I have spent one hour on this today. I am very proud. He directs me to the following podcast.
http://www.43folders.com/2006/07/06/just-a-cup/#more-591
Good thing I don't drink coffee or I would be in a never-ending quest for the perfect coffee cup and then the perfect way to store the coffee cup. (in case the sarcasm doesn't register, of course I get the point of the podcast, but see how funny I am that I am thinking there probably is a better coffee cup)
But today's blog will be about how funny I am. Not funny as in I make people roar at the witty things I say, but funny in that I am neurotic in strange ways. I back seat drive, very politely, but I am trying to help you not kill me while I am in your car...at the same time I drive like a lunatic. The cleaning in my house can only be done one way and my husband and I fight when he does not comply...at the same time I bitch when he doesn't help me. I try to take care of everyone around me who I care about...at the same time I am annoyed when people try to help me.
These are all things I am working on with my therapist. All things that make me funny, luckily as an adult I can laugh at myself when I do this. Case in point, last night while driving with friends I advised the driver what a lane-ending sign meant. Because, clearly he didn't know after having driven since he was 14. But you see, that's funny and I laugh at myself for being neurotic. Very helpful to laugh and encourage other people to laugh as well, helps clear out the neurotic effect.
Anyway, the big thing I am neurotic about is organization. I am super organized, almost with facist intensity. No one I know is as intense with the types of organization that I am. I have a million calendars because I am in the constant quest for the best form of organization. Right now Google calendar seems to be working well. I have a million bags to carry my million calendars because I am constantly searching for the best bag. I have not found it, but now I am working on the best way to store my million bags. Everything in my life goes in a particular box or folder and as a result I have many versions of boxes and folders, and many times I reorganize the boxes and folders because they could always be organized better. I am currently in a search for the best way to store the old boxes and folders because I know they will come in vogue with me again.
I arrive home and I have a ton of work to do. But I can't do the work until I have properly charted my productivity. You see, I even organize myself. I call in a friend to say, look at my excel chart that will plot how much work I have done. I have spent one hour on this today. I am very proud. He directs me to the following podcast.
http://www.43folders.com/2006/07/06/just-a-cup/#more-591
Good thing I don't drink coffee or I would be in a never-ending quest for the perfect coffee cup and then the perfect way to store the coffee cup. (in case the sarcasm doesn't register, of course I get the point of the podcast, but see how funny I am that I am thinking there probably is a better coffee cup)
Thursday, July 06, 2006
on Company Behavior
I just returned from almost a week with my husband's family. They are lovely people. Different from me in many ways but lovely people. I have so much fun just watching them be who they are and it's interesting to watch my husband interact with them. Of course I think of them all he is the best product in their family, but I imagine my sister-in-law thinks the same of his brother, her husband. And I imagine that's natural. But I digress.
When I spend time with my husband's family I am on company behavior. I am committed to the view that all people should be on company behavior when with other people's families and generally with other people.
What is company behavior? Clear your own dishes. Offer to clear all the dishes of people around you. Strip your bed at the end of the visit. Offer to strip everyone else's bed. Make sure when work is being done that you are nearby to help. Laugh at everyone's jokes even when they are not funny. Don't stray too much into God, guns, gays (and in Ogden, gondolas) in conversation and try not to tell people off when they are racist, homophobic, sexist or any of another number of ists. You're on company behavior, after all, and not on a proselytizing crusade.
I saw an example of what not to be on company behavior...or a clear example of someone who does not know that the stick shoved up her ass does stink. You do not, on company behavior, send back your meal that your friend's father paid for. You do not, on company behavior, tell everyone about the Yale degree you are two years from finishing. You do not, on company behavior, wander around in a itsy bitsy bikini when everyone else is wearing sweatshirts because it is freezing.
I watched this young lady and thought "where in tarnation is my can of whoop ass?" But you see, company behavior also entails not kicking the ass of your husband's cousin's friend's girlfriend, so I just smiled and pretended she mattered.
When I spend time with my husband's family I am on company behavior. I am committed to the view that all people should be on company behavior when with other people's families and generally with other people.
What is company behavior? Clear your own dishes. Offer to clear all the dishes of people around you. Strip your bed at the end of the visit. Offer to strip everyone else's bed. Make sure when work is being done that you are nearby to help. Laugh at everyone's jokes even when they are not funny. Don't stray too much into God, guns, gays (and in Ogden, gondolas) in conversation and try not to tell people off when they are racist, homophobic, sexist or any of another number of ists. You're on company behavior, after all, and not on a proselytizing crusade.
I saw an example of what not to be on company behavior...or a clear example of someone who does not know that the stick shoved up her ass does stink. You do not, on company behavior, send back your meal that your friend's father paid for. You do not, on company behavior, tell everyone about the Yale degree you are two years from finishing. You do not, on company behavior, wander around in a itsy bitsy bikini when everyone else is wearing sweatshirts because it is freezing.
I watched this young lady and thought "where in tarnation is my can of whoop ass?" But you see, company behavior also entails not kicking the ass of your husband's cousin's friend's girlfriend, so I just smiled and pretended she mattered.
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