As my grades are all in and I have no students to talk to and no lectures to plan - I've been doing some soul searching. And my very dear adoptive mother posted a blog that spurred me to think even more.
Friday night I was teasing a friend. I tease people I care about and the more respect I have for you, or the more intelligent I think you are, the more I tease - the deeper the teasing goes. She said to me later that I teased her all the time in front of people and I felt really badly about it. I apologized but I am not sure my apology hit home (explanation below which provides the connection to Numi's blog). I hope she knows that I love her and respect her and think she's intelligent enough to take all my teasing and bring her own straight back to me - which I LOVE. There's nothing I love more than an intense conversation about something when I disagree with someone but I respect their opinion - I often find myself rethinking positions - which is also a favorite past time of mine. And this particular friend has similar sensibilities to me but very different thoughts on things - which makes it a lot of fun to talk to her. But I never want her to think I am being mean or rude in my teasing - if I am bothering to tease you, it means I love you - if I'm not, generally I think talking to you is a waste of time. (I'm pretty snobby about who I argue with)
So here's the link to the soul searching - I apologize all the time. I say "I'm sorry" constantly. It occurred to me Friday night (and I have worried about it all weekend) that because my pal has heard me say I'm sorry 3 million times since she met me 7 years ago that this apology may not have meant anything - when it really did. I have watered down apologies by my constant sorry. I think that I probably say I'm sorry all the time because my parents didn't really want to have me, got married because they got pregnant with me, and then told me about it my whole life. I think I have been apologizing for my existance my whole life and this probably contributes directly to my lack of confidence that anyone ever really wants me around. Which is totally ridiculous - from a reasonable point of view - as there are people who make active efforts to have me around, so they must want me around. Anyway - I say I am sorry not because I mean it most of the time but because of some undealt with childhood issues. This weekend I have decided to never say sorry again unless I mean it - I have asked my husband to zap me with an electrical bolt - or just suggest I not say it.
Maybe the fact that I have figured out why I say it all the time will be just the prompt I need to not say it again - like when you figure out what that bad dream is about you stop having the bad dream.
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6 comments:
Anyone who has met you would know you never meant to hurt someone's feelings.
I, too, like to tease and have told many people that the they will know I like them when I start giving them unceasingly amounts of crap. It's what makes us friends!
No electrical bolts - how about a pinch, though?
You are thinking too hard. And worrying too much. That post was NOT meant for you! I just thought the girl was cute and so sweet when I talked to her.
Love you!
Aw, hon!
We love you, and we love your teasing.
BTW, I need to have beers with Paul on the patio.
:)
(Cuz, ya know ... it's all about me.)
First off, can I tell you that you're fabulous and wonderful and that I love you and your teasing? And secondly, thanks for making me reevaluate one of my more prevalent habits--and a few neuroses while I'm at it. Don't you hate it when the universe keeps sending you subtle (and not so subtle) hints about something?
Smile and love to all of you...
Just to clarify, I meant a pinch from your husband.
Can I get in on that deal, too? ~wink~
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