Shopping

With all due deference to my LDS friends, here is my experience shopping in Utah today.

I head out to the grocery store to buy food for Christmas Dinner. We are having roast beast accompanied by all sorts of goodies. I am wearing my iPod listening to fabulous music like Michelle Featherstone and Griffin House and Tristan Perryman (keeps me sane, otherwise I start a running commentary in my head of how many stupid there are in the world). I decide to buy my husband a case of beer for his Christmas dinner. Standing in line I am loading my stuff up onto the belt. I grab (while singing softly the music I am listening to) the case of beer, wrong as it turns out, and it slides down my body in slow motion to the floor where it explodes. As anyone who has ever had a drink in any bar can tell you, drop a bottle of beer flat to the floor and it explodes - not in a glass crunching way, but more in a volcano exploding way. I did that with a case of beer. I proceed to say, rather loudly over the music in my ears, "F &#$ K" - yes, I did. I said it. And just like in A Christmas Story, time froze. And also just like in a Christmas Story, I looked up to see all sorts of old people wanting to wash my mouth out with soap. Luckily there were no children in the vicinity. Then I said "OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY."

Then I hunched myself over and slunk myself out of the grocery store (after paying of course) as many many very good Mormon eyes looked at me and thought, that heathen just hit the trifecta: bought beer, said the F word, and then violated one of the top three commandments.

I am so never getting that special underwear...